i need an iv and a liver transplant
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
