remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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