My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
