My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
