I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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