It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
