I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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