Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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