Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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