so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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