i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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