new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Randomize
