a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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