I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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