That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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