but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
