u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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