I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
