What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
