I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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