I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
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Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
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If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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