Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
