I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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