One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
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You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
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I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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