We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Dicks are not precious.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
