Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
