so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
