I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
