dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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