i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
