It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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