I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
