I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
