The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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