i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
