Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I forget how to act sober
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
