I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
