y did u give ur computer a hand job?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
