Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
