I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
