Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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