you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
