I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
