Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize