My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
