Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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