shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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