FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
