I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
