last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
