I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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