Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
