woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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