i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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