This is not my ceiling
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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