Got a toothbrush?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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