Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
