he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
