Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
